Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
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Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
God has abandoned us.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Welcome to the stomach
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams