State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
These work great until they don’t.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please