keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?