Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Am I having a stroke?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined