After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
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How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Stop sending me this shit.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”