“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
A short story about romance.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
How actors in movies eat their food
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.