“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
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My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I feel it
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.