*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.