*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on