Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.