*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
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I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Just a friendly reminder!
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.