Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”