Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
the answer was staring at me all along
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.