I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You Might Also Like
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.