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[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.