Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
You Might Also Like
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.