Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
channeling her this year
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.