Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! š”
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
captcha starting to give us tasks like weāre in a saw movie or something.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men youāll ever meet in person.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell ābananasā without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
iām taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that āpeople with tattoos canāt get good jobsā and now we all agree that āpeople with and without tattoos canāt get good jobsā.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says ādo not use to view eclipseā thatās because of me
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish Iād listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasnāt listening
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Iām not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said āIāll just keep these in my room, ok?ā
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesnāt my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with āfood should look like itās been chewed up and spit outā.