I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
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If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness