Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
how many bears make up a bear minimum
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.