@CorkyCrash: I've become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
@MaraWilson: I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn't googling "what is shoe pastry"
@alispagnola: Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren't supposed to make you dumber.
@topaz006: *drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off
@fro_vo: TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what's left
KID: your left or my left
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