@lilgapeach30: Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.
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@CorkyCrash: I've become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
@MaraWilson: I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn't googling "what is shoe pastry"
@alispagnola: Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren't supposed to make you dumber.
@topaz006: *drives up to liquor store door, honks horn *wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car *speeds off