Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
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I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.