@CorkyCrash: I've become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

@MaraWilson: I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn't googling "what is shoe pastry"

@alispagnola: Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren't supposed to make you dumber.

@topaz006: *drives up to liquor store door, honks horn *wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car *speeds off

@fro_vo: TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what's left KID: your left or my left