@dyldonot: [girl brings me back to her apartment] her: come to bed me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

@eeethanford: [awesome life of caterpillar] 1) all I do is eat, awesome 2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome 3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME

@Wine_Honey1: Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won't talk to you.

@soundslikecin: ME: it's rude to stare THE ABYSS: you started it

@stockejock: Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.