@lilgapeach30: Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.
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@vikkaroni: Just once I'd like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do... Without being dragged out being told, "Ma'am, you're not the bride..."
@gf3: me: i'm here for stabbing lessons clerk: sir this is a fencing clu— me: yeah whatever hand me a knife clerk: … me: dress me like a beekeeper
@Playing_Dad: [Walking around park with kid] Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green? Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
@rachelle_mandik: i'm torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table