[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Snapes on a plane.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us