[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?