The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Facebook memories be like
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.