STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
You Might Also Like
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
looks legit
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.