I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)