@robdelaney: Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord.
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@zachreinert03: My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool
@squirrel74wkgn: [at a party] *taps wife's shoulder* I've looked everywhere...where are all the swings? (wife pulls away from kissing Bob) "What?"