Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
when someone compliments me
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
You can’t outrun your problems…
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
seems fine
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.