STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
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In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I WON A HAM TODAY
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Worst bar ever.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.