Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Hotels are back
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)