STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.