Stick it to the man
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[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Strange
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.