FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?