Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
You Might Also Like
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination