Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati