*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Never be a pizza!
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.