I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
No. He’s not coming out to play
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.