@derekblackmon: Still laughing about that time my grandmother said God told her to put my grandfather in an asylum because he was hearing voices in his head
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@nealbrennan: When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
@GABBYdaAngSaya: Prisoner: You inked Me: *thinking about my "I hate prisoners" back tattoo* No why
@rickkondell: The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.