One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
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*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.