me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
How actors in movies eat their food