@fart: still my fav achewood
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@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It'd be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. "We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!"
@DaddyJew: Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
@Reverend_Scott: [at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y