Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Erm…
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.