“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.