Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Bike is short for Bichael.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.