Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.