@IGotsSmarts: Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
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@concretesledge_: The tag on this hot tub reads "6 man" when I clearly ordered a 1 man 5 woman hot tub. This one is going back!
@KeetPotato: would you like to come on our quiz show? you could win £2,000,000? [imagines spending the entire show standing up] "no thanks"
@XplodingUnicorn: When my wife does our daughter's hair: "How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?" When I do her hair: "How about a hat?"
@TravLeBlanc: Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.