[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
catch me on valentine’s day like
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.