“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
absolute chaos
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
This is my brand.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
mentally somewhere in italy