“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
@funTweeters I am at your service….
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.