@myonlymizztake: *stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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@professorxavi: To me, God will always be that guy that could've made Pokemon or Star Wars real but instead was all like, "Nah bruh, malaria and AIDS."
@shadesof666: *gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
@CJhooray: "Damn do you have a wizard wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;)" *pulls wand from pocket* "I haven't been happy in years"
@causticbob: "He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it's more of an accusation