*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.