*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
That took me a moment.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.