@MaryannSaintM: Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I'm too nice of a person to tell you I'm surprised you got laid in the first place.
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@WilliamAder: I'll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me.
@buhsbaby_baby: Me: I LOVE Pokémon Go! Him: Are you just collecting caterpillars and putting them in your purse?! Me:
@ben_watt: Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out 'Batman, your cape.'