@MaryannSaintM: Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I'm too nice of a person to tell you I'm surprised you got laid in the first place.
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@imVig: Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
@Parker_Simpson: The guy who coined the phrase,"I'm not gettin any younger." The guy he said it to then coined the phrase,"No shit, Sherlock."
@mydmac: I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of 'hey you' every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
@StevenKJohnson: Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.