Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
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“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
🍞🦆
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.