@Jandalize: Stop calling it "sweater weather" and call it what it really is, "I don't have to shave my legs for 6 months weather."
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@Brianhopecomedy: When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
@PaperWash: [in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? "Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can"
@imence2: Gf:Do u love me? Me:Yes. Gf:Why do u love me? Me:You're the best. Gf:I'm the best at what? Me:Asking questions. Gf: Like what? Me:...