Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Muppet Screams
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.