STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Care for your back
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.